Chassidim never say goodbye

It certainly seems like the time has come for me to go, everything seemed to know it: Shabbat afternoon, while I was reading in my room, my empty mug, sitting on my shelf, suddenly cracked. Monday morning, while cutting a carrot, my knife broke in half. And so here we are, Tuesday morning, 9:50 am. My flight leaves Israel in one hour, 25 minutes. I am sitting currently in the Dan lounge, drinking a cappuccino and a diet coke. Very Israeli of me. How did I get here?

Sunday evening, in honor of the Frediker Rebbe’s yahrzeit (I won’t even get into the creation of still more holidays by Chabad…not the issue of the entry), we had a nice sueda (meal) and presentations about Judaism around the world. Then I participated on a panel about how I find Gd in my everyday life. After, there was a fabrengen at Rivka Marga’s, which I intended to go to before it began to downpour, hail and all. I guess I would stay in and pack instead. As I had returned from Ramallah too late to ask Chaim to get my suitcases for me, I was unable to do more than organize, and during this time, Jen and Sara joined me, with some chocolate liqueur.

Yesterday, Monday, mainly went by in a blur. I actually got up early, went to Chassidus, figuring I might as well go out in style. The classes were interesting, Monday being one of my favorite days, with Rabbi Levinger first, and Pearl Bloch third. The whole day seemed almost like a performance, knowing how the classes would go, how they would end, from the beginning. The hugs, the goodbyes, good lucks, all things in health and happiness. Dina Hendel asked who would be there to challenge her now I was leaving, Pearl Bloch reminded me how she would miss my reading, my curiosity, and we agreed to stay in touch, that she would send me the week’s lesson. By the end of Nechama’s class, when I was asked to direct the lesson, and then to say a few words, I thought that if I spoke anymore that morning, some of the other students would leap across the table and kill me. During lunch, I called to make my Nesher reservation, and as Chaim had finally arrived for the day—the one day in Mayanot history that he needed to come in late—retrieved my suitcases from the attic storage.
After class and lunch, the rain subsided enough that Hayley and I went on a trip to the shuk by way of Rivka Marga’s—she wasn’t there, but Rayzel and her friend were a fun little diversion, trying to keep us from leaving. I walked through Mahane Yehuda, wanting to study every inch of it, taking in the sites and the smells, the sounds of the merchants advertising their goods, especially in preparation for Tu B’Shvat. After buying some candy, dried ginger, halva, and a fresh piece of laffa bread, while simply perusing the area Hayley and I saw a new addition to the shuk—an olive oil shop, looking like a William and Sonoma display, and therefore very out of place.
On the way home from the shuk, last purchases in hand, we stopped again by RM, and this time she was home. After a short visit, a L’chaim on sweet wine, and a non-goodbye hug, Hayley and I set back out into the rain to go home for dinner, and so I could finish my packing, now that I finally had my suitcases.
At 9:30, after a nearly tearful goodbye with Chaya Levinger, Naomi, Jen, Erica, Elysia, Sara, Hayley, Laneia, Zack, Nechemia and I set off for Café Café for a final drink before I would leave the next morning, complete with a photo session.
This morning I woke up at 5:20, since my Nesher was due between 6:45 and 7, and I had to pack the last minute things and say goodbye to people, some who had gotten up to see me off, and others who asked me to wake them before I left. Laneia joined me at 6, and Hayley at 6:30, which was very good, since the nesher, which is usually late, arrived 10 minutes early. The down side to this was that then we needed to rush to bring my bags outside and get them all into the car, but what is probably good is that then there was no time for any sort of teary goodbyes, which I felt might have been coming on, at least from me. BTW, big thanks to Laneia, Hayley and Naomi for helping me to carry out my million pounds of luggage.
So now I sit here in the lounge, waiting to board my plane to take me back to New Jersey. But it reminds me of what I said to Dani and Hillary at their goodbye fabrengen, when we all talked of what it means to be going back, and they were concerned about their ability to be who they now were when they went back…the reality is, in our lives we almost never go ‘back’ per se—even if we are returning to a different place, a place we came from, we are still going there with the new parts of ourselves, with the current versions of who we are, so even going back is really just a different direction of going forward. No matter where we go, we take everything we have experienced with us, and changes, for better or worse, stay with us, so there really is no going back.
Looking out the window right now, I am thinking back on all I have done and seen, and all the people I have come to know these past five months, I am thinking about all I am going to in the US, and all I am leaving behind me here in Israel. But if there is one thing I have learned during these five months studying at Mayanot, it is that, although I am leaving Israel, and many people and places that I love here, I am not truly leaving them forever, rather just until next time. After all, Chassidim never say “goodbye”.