and I had an epiphany

I have realized a great thing, maybe for the first time since I have arrived here.

Sunday night, I walked into one of the girls rooms where a few girls were talking, two of whom are very good friends of mine. One of the girls got very uncomfortable, and told me that she didn't want to ask me to leave, and didn't want to talk about what she was talking about in front of me. I knew what she was talking about (a boy, which is awkward, because she is technically shomer negiyah, but had been hugging him and such at a bar). I also knew it wasn't a personal thing, but simply that I had not been there on the night this all happened, as the other girls in the room had. The other girls told me to stay, but I didn't mind her asking me to leave, so I did.

Later, she gave me a big hug and said she felt bad, and asked me if I was mad at her. I told her, truthfully, that no, I was not mad, but rather sad for her.

I realized that the worst thing that I could ever be, is someone who is so uncomfortable with myself, that I cannot face what I am doing in my life in front of my peers. If I am so ashamed of what I am doing that I cannot own up to it, than clearly either my standards or my actions need to be adjusted. However, I can honestly say that there is nothing in my life that I would not be able to admit to in almost any setting. And while I can feel that way, I know I am okay.